I can’t tell your story, only my own.
When I was a Christian, I was afraid all the time.
Fear like a collar, starched with judgment and shame, buttoned too tight around my neck. I didn’t know I was wearing it. I had never not worn it.
I did know this: Eyes were on me.
I must watch myself!
Fear like a plaster mask, stiffened across my face—
And what do I do with my hands?
Afraid of wrong thoughts: God judges those
Wrong feelings: I judge those
Wrong choices: Everyone judges those
I must force myself, must be found pleasing in the sight of God.
How will I ever know if my love for him is Real?
I must apologize for myself, but my mouth has gone dry.
Fear like a fist clenched around my stomach (too busy with babies to eat, anyway).
When I was a Christian
I looked at the stars and felt inconsequential, alien, lost—
This world was not my home.
Must never waste time; must live for eternity.
But I was afraid to die
Afraid of eternity
Afraid of hell
Afraid of God (I must be holy as He is holy…)
And thus and therefore: Afraid of heaven
Too afraid to admit
That I was too afraid
I must fake calm
While fear like a pulse pounds out of control in my throat
Chokes my voice in my throat (pleading for mercy)
A hand to my throat
<I can’t breathe>
Now I’m a freer person
And becoming more free.
I’m okay with me
Most of the time
I’m not afraid to practice being human…and sometimes…I do it without trying…
To breathe
To take my time
To stay with myself
To need, to want
To speak my needs and wants out loud
To choose my pleasure and my pain
To taste them
To let my face soften
To change my mind
To say “no.”
To make mistakes (as many times as I need to)
To unclench (as many times as I need to)
To lay the dishcloth down
To sit down to eat
To perch on the edge and swing my legs under me
To hum my own tune
To describe my day in colors
To pause and look again, more closely this time
To ask questions, all of them, out loud
To not answer questions unless I want to
To thank my body, because…wow. She’s holy without trying.
To say yes to both, to more (I don’t need your approval)
Now I smile at the night sky and feel at home
More at home than I felt in my home
I’m part of nature; I belong here
There’s space for me
There’s time for me
I don’t have to be anything for anyone.
I don’t have to be anything for anyone.
I do not have to be anything for anyone.
Not even for myself.
I was a Christian for a long time; now I’m just a person who’s not afraid to live and not afraid to die.
I can’t tell your story
Only my own.
I friend of mine said that she has never felt so liberated as the day she realised she did not believe in heaven anymore.
Because if there was no heaven, there couldn't be any hell either.
I just paused and read this again, more closely this time...
It's almost painfully beautiful 💞